An internationally recognized relationship expert has shared his tried and tested method of overcoming any quarrel with your other person, detailing his unique “feedback loop” technique, which he said will deprive both sides of the happy after a fight.

Therapist Terry Real, 72-year-old Terry Real, who called himself a “fighter”, shared advice after a fight with the website of a lifestyle expert approved by Gwyneth Paltrow Gupwhere he outlined a four-step method of dealing with controversy, revealing why it is important to share “feelings, not thoughts” and always put “anger last”.

Real, author of the best-selling book “Passing by You and Me to Build a Love Relationship,” says you need to follow four steps to reconcile with your partner using a feedback loop – which applies only after everyone gives to another ‘a place to cool off. ‘

In his book, Real says there are four key feedback circle factors that describe what happened during the dispute, what opinions you made about your partner as a result of the dispute, how it made you feel and what you want from your partner now.

A relationship expert – who uses the method to resolve disputes with his wife – says the feedback loop will work for any couple, noting that quarrels are a perfectly normal part of a relationship and should not cause serious problems, provided they are resolved. with the right use of these four steps …

Relationship therapist Terry Real shared a unique method to help couples overcome any four-step fight, which he called “feedback circles”.

A brief guide to the four stages of the feedback loop

  • “Share your feelings, not your thoughts”: tell your partner that what they did made you feel a certain way instead of fighting them with your thoughts.
  • “Get angry last”: couples should address conflicting emotions and show vulnerability during a quarrel
  • “Think back to what you heard: listening to each other is the key to the feedback wheel, let your partner describe how he feels and repeat it to him to
  • “Let there be repairs”: the last step when trying to resolve a quarrel, the couple should “break away from the result” and focus only on their own words and actions

STEP ONE: What happened?

The first step of the feedback loop method requires each person to describe what they think happened during the dispute – and what led to its explosion.

Real used the example of the quarrels he and his wife Belinda had when their children were young – he remembered the time when they quarreled because he came home late for dinner.

In such a situation Real said the first step of the feedback loop could have prompted his wife to say something like, “Terry, you said you would be home by six and come at 6:45, no messages or text messages while I was sitting with the kids waiting for dinner. “

According to “Real”, the most important thing to keep in mind after the quarrel is that both partners are together and that they are working together to solve the problem, rather than working against each other in an attempt to win the fight.

Every step of the feedback loop should be completed by “just a few suggestions,” Real advises, noting that it’s important to “be concise”.

STEP TWO: What you came up with

The second step of the feedback loop is to explain the “what you made up” argument.

This requires the man to explain what assumptions he made about the actions of another man, with Real once again on the example of the dispute he had with his wife, explaining that she could distinguish from this fight that he still has narcissism. traits ”and that he overestimates his time [hers and the kids’]’.

One of the key aspects of this step is for each person to try to get rid of their “emotions” – otherwise known as their reaction on their knees – and instead focus on the other feelings they felt during the argument.

To do this, one partner will need to give both themselves and the other partner feedback that evaluates their behavior.

Real explains that the move “will take some practice to perform”, but noted that a great way to get started is to try to get in touch with the more “vulnerable” emotions you may be experiencing – rather than focusing on the initial “powerful” ones. feelings like anger or resentment ”.

“If you’re used to driving with big strong feelings, such as anger or resentment, soften – stretch and control your vulnerability,” – suggests Real. “Find the wounded. Conversely, if you control small, timid, insecure feelings, find your strength. Where is your anger, the part of you that says “enough”? ‘

Therapist Terry Real shares a reliable way to reconcile during a fight with a four-stage feedback wheel

The author of the bestseller gives readers details on the techniques he even uses in his new book Getting Pass You & Me to Build More Love Relationships

Relationship expert Terry Real shares four-step feedback during a brawl in his best-selling book Getting Pass You & Me to Build a More Lover Relationship

Actress and Goop owner Gwyneth Paltrow takes Real’s feedback wheel advice, saying it’s a “road map for anyone looking for true intimacy”.

Actress and Goop owner Gwyneth Paltrow takes Real’s feedback wheel advice, saying it’s a “road map for anyone looking for true intimacy”.

The relationship expert wants everyone to “find resentment” during this phase of the feedback loop and “put anger not least”.

This transition from anger and vulnerability will lead to a sea saw effect and make both partners more open to working together to solve the problem.

STEP THREE: How did you feel about that

The third step in this process is to “break away from the result”.

Once one of the partners has shared their feelings, they are finished, now they have to give up any expectations or emotions that prevent them from coming to terms with them, and most importantly, give them the opportunity to give feedback.

During this phase of the feedback loop, they should focus on the words they share, on their own personal experience, and not on what may be the outcome or outcome.

Real notes that partners should be held accountable for their mistakes by listening to what their partner says.

When couples get involved in an argument, it’s easy for them to lose sight of what they’re saying, forgetting that they can hurt someone they love.

To avoid this, think that “you have to give this person to make him feel better”.

A great way to do this is to listen and then reflect on what you have heard.

Reflecting on what you have heard, be sure to respond to your partner’s feedback in a sympathetic manner, be sure to take responsibility for any mistakes.

“The more responsible you are, the more your partner can relax,” Real says in his advice on how to use the feedback loop.

If someone is aware of what mistakes he has made, he is less likely to repeat them in the future.

Real notes that justification will not help you build a relationship, but responsibility will help.

“When your partner gives you their feedback and tells you what he wants, it’s important to think about requests you can fulfill, not about ones you can’t,” says the relationship expert and bestselling author.

When couples start by telling their partner that they can’t fulfill one of their requests, they will feel “desperate” and “minimized,” but if you put energy into what you’re willing to give, it disarms our partners. and sometimes they are even grateful. ”

STEP Four: What you want now

To complete the feedback loop, partners will need to “allow repairs”.

Talking about what they do and don’t believe won’t help fix the fight.

“Remember, there’s a big difference between complaining about what you don’t get and being able to discover and get it,” says the best-selling author of Real.

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